


I Figured it All Out

by bloody_wings_and_arrows



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, alex is bi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-16 05:47:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloody_wings_and_arrows/pseuds/bloody_wings_and_arrows
Summary: This is probably going to be a small, cute fic, but not completely sure yet... ;) I found myself writing this out of nowhere after finally finishing the second season. I love Alex, and Zach is just too hot and precious and I really think they'd be cute together... Not sure if there's only bromance there, but we can dream, right?Here you go. Let me know if you like it ^^





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably going to be a small, cute fic, but not completely sure yet... ;) I found myself writing this out of nowhere after finally finishing the second season. I love Alex, and Zach is just too hot and precious and I really think they'd be cute together... Not sure if there's only bromance there, but we can dream, right?  
> Here you go. Let me know if you like it ^^

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t want to die, I’ve known that for a while but now I’m fucking sure of that.

Maybe this was a bad idea. It seemed to make sense at first but now that I’m walking behind him with the gun in my hand, staggering a little, I feel more self-conscious. Yeah, Zach is by my side, too, as he insisted on coming, saying he wouldn’t let me go alone, playing my mom again... Still I’m starting to doubt, starting to think that Monty can be leading us in some kind of trap or something. He keeps talking about the team and friends again and seems a little too confident and calm. Calmer than he should be. That makes me even more nervous, I try not to show it though.

And then he starts talking about me wanting to make the whole world sorry for me, and I grip the gun with my good hand. He stops and stares at me as Zach grabs my shoulder.

“You wave that gun around like I give a shit, I don’t, man” – Monty says and I believe him. Yeah, probably this was a bad idea after all.

“Hey, hey, relax” – Zach whispers near my ear while the other guy continues talking, assuring me that there’s no point, his life is over anyway.

Then he steps towards me, slowly, and I tense even more. He reaches me like he doesn’t even care that I’m holding him at gunpoint. So I move my hand up, leaning on my left side, pain and fatigue obvious and disturbing. I can feel Zach tensing by my side and I’m not sure if he says something because my heart is pounding in my ears. All the bullshit coming from Monty’s mouth gives me headache, all that talk about ‘team’ and ‘friends’ and ‘home’ – he just pisses me off.

“So you wanna shoot me? Shoot me!” – He insists, standing one feet away from me now.

“Hey, de la Cruz, what the fuck you think you’re doing, huh?” – Zach snaps, shifting his enormous body and raising his one hand up. I’m not completely sure what he’s trying or planning on doing but I don’t give him a chance. I quickly cut him off, never taking my eyes of Monty.

“Where’re the pictures?”

I know we have to do this, we have to finish what we started.

“Man, I don’t know, I don’t have them.”

“What?” – I mutter through clenched teeth and hear Zach exhaling deeply.

“Fuck!” – curses the boy next to me.

Monty goes on with his monologue and is so close now that I can feel his breath on my face. I slowly start to panic, my hand is shaking a little and I don’t have a single idea how to get out of this situation.

“So you’re not gonna shoot me, Alex. You can’t even shoot yourself.”

And that’s when Zach finally loses his cool, growling awkwardly and I throw a quick glance at him to see his face. I notice how tense and furious he looks and I’m fucking sure he’s going to punch the guy. One second and his fist is going to meet Monty’s face and the boy’s going to fall on his ass. It doesn’t happen though. What happens is that Monty somehow manages to grab my gun, hitting my outstretched arm and I stagger, losing my balance and hitting the ground. It happens so quickly that I don’t even register what’s going on, but then I’m on the ground laying on my back and I hear Zach’s voice. I’m not sure what he’s saying or if he’s even saying anything or just panting and cursing and groaning. My head spins and my vision becomes blurry for a few seconds. The only thing I feel is the sharp pain as I realize I’m being dragged, my palms desperately trying to take hold of something but the ground is solid and I’m too weak to resist the force pulling me back. When I open my eyes and the clear vision comes back to me, I look up and see Monty standing over me with the gun in his hand. The boy smirks down at me, visibly satisfied with how this whole thing has turned out.

“Hey! Monty, chill, man!” – Zach’s voice, distant and somehow different draws my attention to him and I take a moment to glance at him. He’s standing with his hands up, right there where I’ve been standing a couple of second ago. He’s panting, brows furrowed and eyes wide. Zach seems frightened and he looks somehow smaller, or I just hit my head too hard when falling, I’m not sure.

“Don’t… just…” – Zach starts again and then swallows hard. When he continues, it’s obvious that he’s trying to sound calm but fails. Instead he sounds like he’s about to start crying – “relax, okay? No one needs to get hurt…”

“Yeah, well, I think it’s fucking late for that, you fucking traitor!” – Monty cuts him off and I look up at him again. He remind me of some wild animal and I try not to shiver. The fear runs all over my body as a wave of cold chills when I look into his eyes, as I realize he clearly isn’t okay with Zach’s suggestion. This guy pointing a gun at him is not the right person to negotiate with.

“Montgomery, just put the gun down and let’s… we’ll just walk away.”

Monty glares at Zach again, squinting. that little smirk appearing on his lips gives me the creeps.

“Why shouldn’t I just…” – He shrugs, - “I don’t know, put a bullet in his head? That’s what he wanted, right?”

“Monty!” –Zach warns and I can _feel_ how hard he’s trying not to lose his cool and start screaming or just reach out and attack his “friend”.

“He didn’t have the balls to do it himself though. Maybe I should help him with that” – Monty ignores him and leans down slightly, looking down at me with that same smirk. Creepy, I find myself noticing. Anger and fear is taking over me but the worse part is that I can’t even stand up to do anything about it. I’m useless, I decide once again. And maybe this crazy asshole’s got a point, the thought crosses my mind, however I try to ignore it – “You’re just another pathetic, annoying little shit.”

He says that looking into my eyes and I feel the need to reply with something like “fuck you, de la Cruz” or “go fuck yourself, you psycho”, but he quickly drops to his knees and grabs a fistful of my hair. Before I manage to grasp what he’s going to do, he slams my head into the ground. I hiss and glare at him dead in the eye, trying to gain some strength to fight back even if he’s the one holding the gun and I’m the one with the hole in my head. Monty wastes no more time though, he straightens back up and suddenly I feel the sharp pain in my stomach and a loud gasp escapes my mouth - I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from yelping because Monty smashes his feet into the top of my chest and he definitely uses his full strength while doing it. My cry is followed by a weird sound coming from Zach’s direction. Even if my ears weren’t ringing, I still wouldn’t be able to define the noise leaving Zach’s throat. Was that a groan? A whimper? Or maybe just a word “No” choked out from him. He didn’t mean to make that sound, that’s for sure. If I wasn’t held down by the freak who was still crushing my chest with his limbs, I would definitely laugh at Zach for making that sound. I’m panting and sobbing too, as Monty keeps slamming his boot hard into my chest and stomach, sending new sharp waves of pain through my broken body. I hear Zach’s voice and I try to concentrate on that instead but when I do that, I instantly regret it - all I hear is Zach whimpering, sobbing, begging? Begging and asking him to stop, to let me go. He sounds even more awkward now, and I decide that if I survive this crazy son of a bitch, I’ll be making fun of Zach for the rest of his days.

“Don’t you fucking move, Dempsey, I’m the one holding the gun now, remember?” – The voice sounds and I feel another powerful wave of pain in my stomach, burning my insides. I moan again, it’s almost impossible not to, at that point.

“Let him go, he hasn’t done anything to you. You’re angry at _me_ , not him. You can beat _me_ up, just leave him alone!”

Monty moves his feet to my throat, keeping me pinned (as if I’d manage to move even if not his boot choking me). I don’t risk moving any part of my body, I just lay there motionless. The guy has a gun pointed at Zach and I’m _not_ exactly in my best shape, to put it mildly… Monty goes still for a second and I hear myself panting - loud and pathetic attempt to breathe. _I don’t want to die,_ I’ve known that for a while but now I’m fucking sure of that. And as I try to breathe and mute my pitiful moans, I hear Monty talk again. Why can’t he just shut the fuck up? His voice alone pisses me off, not to mention that he’s talking shit all the time. I wish I could say this to him but I can’t even if I manage to find my voice. So I just continue panting and trying my best not to pass out or make another pathetic sound of pain.

“Please, just let him go… Please.” – Zach sounds even more desperate now and I feel my throat going dry for some weird reason. The last thing I wanted was to put _him_ in this situation, it’s all because of me and my stubbornness and self-pity. I _suck_ , I suddenly notice, once again. And this mission - finding that damn box of polaroids was definitely a bad idea.

“I was joking before, you know, about you finding a boyfriend,” – Monty says and chuckles – “but now I’m starting to think that wasn’t so far from the truth.”

I try to open my eyes in attempt to glance at Zach but I can’t find strength to do so. Every muscle in my body hurts and I’m starting to feel exhausted, my eyes heavy and my breath unsteady. Silence is hurting my ears even more as I can’t hear the voice I would concentrate on and I suddenly notice I’ve stopped panting at some point. Now I’m worried if I’m breathing at all.

Monty chuckles louder this time and Zach groans. He sounds angry. I think that if I manage to open my eyes and look at him, I’d see him scowling. He’s huge and looks scary sometimes, even though I know he’s harmless. Zach’s just a sweetheart, no matter how hard he tries to prove everyone wrong. I know he hasn’t attacked Monty simply because he’s held at the gunpoint while the bastard beats me up. I know he can’t do much at this point so I try to come up with something, I try to think of anything that will get us out of this shitty situation. Nothing. My mind is a complete blank.

When I feel the pressure on my chest, I know it’s starting again and I try to prepare myself for more pain. And it comes. And Zach’s growling again, sobbing or begging Monty to stop, I’m not sure anymore. And me, I can’t even cry or moan in pain, no sound leaves my mouth even if I want to fucking scream. I feel sick and nauseous and my whole body burns and shivers violently at the same time. Then it suddenly stops but… I’m not even certain if it really stops or if my mind is just imagining it to protect me or some shit like that.

Yeah, it stops. The pressure on my chest is gone.

Monty is leaving, I can hear his voice, he says something about not trying to follow him and he threatens us. Not sure what he says exactly but I’m aware he’s leaving, running away from the crime scene. The engine roar and silence. And I try my best to open my eyes again to make sure he’s really gone. I can’t though. Then I hear someone approaching me, hurried steps. Someone’s running in my direction. ‘Useless, broken, stupid kid, it’s your fucking fault, you did this to yourself’.

“Alex!”

‘And she’s dead because of you. Maybe it would’ve been better if it’d worked…You should’ve put a bullet in the middle of your brain…’

“Alex! Alex, can you… can you hear me?” – The voice is soft and worried, and it cracks at the end.

I feel the warm touch, massive hands roaming all over my face and my chest. I can’t decide if I’m imagining it or if it’s real. Maybe I’ve just passed out at some point. Maybe De la cruz hasn’t left at all and he’s still beating me up. Maybe I’ve chosen to just numb the pain and get some sleep. Then I hear the voice again, the soft and hot breath tickling my damp face. Oh, right, I’m probably covered in blood and dirt. That voice, though, that touch - warm and familiar. Zach is whispering something, assuring me that I’m going to be alright, taking a firm grip of my shoulders. I can’t be imagining it, it should be real.

“You’re alright, Alex, don’t worry… It’s okay…you’re gonna be okay.”

“Don’t…”

Zach freezes instantly, probably to make sure he hears everything I say, because my voice is low and it’s hard to speak. I still have to, so I do.

“Can’t go home.”

“I’m… I’ll take you to the hospital…”

“No! No hospitals, dude” - I reply, whining.

Zach stares at me, I just know it. I open my eyes eventually and of course I appear to be right – he’s staring like a damn sad puppy. And why are his eyes watery and red? Anyways… I’m definitely going to make fun of him for being such a softie when I’m able to speak properly and laugh. I’m making a mental note to do so.

“Please, Zach… Just… take me somewhere else, please.”

“Alright,” – He nods in understanding – “don’t worry about anything.”

Then he wraps his arms around me and lifts me off the ground like I weight nothing. I’m not surprised, he was willing to carry me a couple of times before, his wish just fucking came true. I would say that to him if I could, and I would laugh at him as well, but I decide against it. When I’m in his arms, I suddenly feel nauseous and a bit stupid too, my head goes spinning even worse for some reason. My ears are numb but still, I try to concentrate on that voice. He keeps whispering softly, as if only for himself, sounding like he’s trying to calm himself down. Every time I hear that voice, I feel more positive and relaxed, it makes me calmer and maybe even “happier”? I don’t know. Because I can’t claim I fully understand what that word means. It’s weird and scary but nice and exciting at the same time. Zach has been the reason for some odd emotions I’ve been experiencing lately but now is not the time, I quickly decide. Now my head is a mess just like my whole body. I’m going to think about it later. Tomorrow. Some other day.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He leans towards me without hesitation and I feel my whole body relaxing but burning at the same time. It’s so fucking strange, when he’s by my side, I feel like I want to live, I want to live forever!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there can be mistakes considering that English isn't my first language. You can correct them if you want. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts :)

I don’t remember how we’ve ended up in Zach’s room, the whole journey is a blur to me, but I remember the feeling of calmness and comfort when we stopped moving. I don’t know how much time has passed but now I’m lying on my back on these cool, cozy layers and no matter how bad I want to open my eyes and study the surroundings, I feel sleepy and my head is heavy. I choose to stay still and keep my eyes shut. The low sound of footsteps is keeping me awake and I listen. Zach leaves the room and comes back shortly afterwards, leaning on my side of the bed. The next thing I hear is his unsteady but quiet breathing. Then I feel the soft, smooth touch of wet fabric and decide that he’s cleaning my face from sweat and mud and probably blood as well. I try to open my eyes again and when I do, I see blurry silhouettes and nothing more. I should be really tired. I lean into his touch slightly because it feels nice, I have to admit. Zach is rubbing the towel on my cheeks gently and carefully, as if he’s afraid to hurt me or something.

“Hey, Alex, uh…” – he clears his throat, his voice hoarse – “you don’t think anything’s broken, do you?”

I hardly register what he’s asking at first, but when I do, I’m gaining all my strength to reply. To my amazement, I actually manage to whisper, my voice quiet and weak though.

“My body’s already broken, so…”

Zach stops what he’s doing and exhales noisily and as I can _feel_ how annoyed he suddenly is, I instantly regret opening my mouth but it’s too late.

“Alex, it’s not… I’m being serious here, okay? Can you open your eyes and… you just gotta tell me, ‘cause I have to know, you may be needing help…”

“No, nothing’s broken. I would be in much more pain… I would know” – I reply with effort, but he sounds so genuinely worried, I feel the need to let him know – “Are we… in your room?”

“Yes,” – He breathes out and moves the layer off my face, then leans on the bed. I feel he’s close, I feel his weight near me – “I’ve called your mom, told her you’ll be staying with me tonight.”

“Uhum.”

“You need to get some rest” – he adds and pauses, and even with my eyes closed I still can _see_ his furrowed brows - “You sure nothing’s broken? You really don’t need me to take you to the hospital or…”

“Nah, I’m gonna be fine,” – I mutter and try to move my good hand in attempt to cover my chest with the blanket. It feels so warm and cozy, these layers wrapped around me, I just want to crawl deeper and hide behind them – “I just need some sleep, is all.”

Zach’s touch on my wrist is gentle but firm, he places my arm back by my side and wraps the blanket around me.

“I… I’ll stay here, okay? In case you need something or feel worse…” – Zach trails off, exhales shakily.

I open my eyes this time and I’m greeted with these black eyes. Although the lamp on the counter is the only source of light, it still hurts my eyes. Nonetheless, I make sure to stare in these eyes as long as possible. They stare back and I see so many emotions through them, some of them I can’t even recognize. Then my eyes go heavier and I close them again with a sigh.

“Mhm” – I murmur in response and go still.

I feel Zach standing up and moving to the other end of the bed. It’s weird, I feel tranquility even though my whole body still aches. I feel like I’m safe from everything and everyone. And I get that strange sensation that _everything is going to be alright_. Even if I know how fucking stupid it sounds, even if I’m sure that nothing will be alright, I embrace the odd happiness and peacefulness. For now. Just for a few seconds, before everything starts all over again. Before another day comes.

 

 

 

I wake up with a headache and groan in pain. At first my foggy mind decides it’s just another morning with hangover but then I suddenly remember the previous night and my heart goes pounding. I finally open my eyes but the light creeping in behind the curtains forces me to shut them instantly. When I take a deep breath, ignoring the light pain in my chest, I open them again. I’m in Zach’s room, wrapped in his blankets that smell like him. I’ve slept in my clothes, my shirt and jeans. My boots are placed carefully on the floor near the bed, my jacket is on the counter. I’m in Zach Dempsey’s room. I haven’t been here before, kind of always thought he was embarrassed of being friends with me. He’s never offered to spend free time at his place, we’d hang out in my room instead. I’m also aware that Zach’s told his ‘ambulatory friends’ that he was _forced_ to help me and take care of me, or something. The poor kid who can’t even kill himself, that’s who I am in everyone’s eyes. But Zach?

‘I like my non-ambulatory friends.’

Before I can even control myself and resist, I sense anger and self-pity creeping inside my chest and making a lump in my throat. Whatever. No time for that shit.

I look around but I’m alone in the room. I lean on my elbows and try to straighten up but I simply can’t. My whole body still aches and my head is heavy on my shoulders. I stay like that for a while, gaining some strength and courage. Nothing. I give up, I’m just going to call him to come back here and help me stand up from the bed. I’m just going to shout his name and helplessly wait for him to appear. How pathetic.

But before I can finally decide to open my mouth, I hear footsteps on the stairs. Zach appears at the door that’s left slightly ajar. He’s holding a mug and enters the room very quietly and carefully, probably thinking I’m still asleep. When he notices me leaning on my elbows and glaring at him blankly, he freezes and stares back.

“Hey, you’re awake,” – He breathes out, clearing his throat awkwardly – “I brought you some coffee but if you prefer tee or something else, I can…”

“Coffee’s fine,” – I cut him off before he starts rambling – “I feel like my head’s about to explode.”

Zach moves to stand near the bed, offering me the big blue mug and staring down at me with intense gaze.

“How’re you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” – I decide to be honest and wrap my fingers around the cup, the pleasant smell of coffee forcing me to shut my eyes and inhale deeply – “my body hurts. Also my head. But it’s nothing. We should’ve met up with the guys yesterday…” I throw him a questioning look.

“Don’t worry about it,” – he replies laconically.

“What, what happened while I was passed out and useless?”

He exhales deeply.

“Stop saying stuff like that, Alex.”

I shake my head as if I have no idea what he’s talking about.

“You’re not useless, alright?”

“What happened, Zach?” – I stare fixedly at him, not wanting to break the eye contact for some reason. He’s the one who loses the staring contest in the end.

“I called Clay. He said they spoke to Jessica. She decided she’s gonna talk.”

I shake my head in annoyance.

“I should’ve been there, I should’ve…”

“What happened with Monty wasn't your fault, Alex” – Zach interrupts, crossing his hands over his chest.

“Then whose fault was it? I was the one being too self-confident, pointing a gun at the tough guy and playing a hero, forgetting the fact that I’m a cripple!”

I don’t even notice that my voice raises until I find myself almost shouting at Zach, while he stares down at me, scowling.

“You have to stop doing this to yourself,” – he shakes his head and seems agitated – “you think you’re the only one with problems? Some of us have issues too but we don’t whine and lose our shit every time things don’t go the way we want.”

His words make me even more furious. I would push him if I could stand up or move my hands properly. I know I would regret it later though, so I’m glad I can’t get up.

“Fuck you, Zach!” – is all I say.

He stares without even blinking.

“Yeah, fuck _you_ , Alex!” – He says loudly enough for me to wince, not expecting this at all – “do you have any idea how I felt yesterday? _No_ , cause you only think about yourself.”

He starts pacing now, hands shaking slightly. He runs them through his black hair but I notice anyway. I can’t look away from that awkward giant who now looks like a little kid who decides between crying and yelling.

“Do you even know how hard it was for me to watch you get beaten up like that, while I couldn’t do anything to protect you?” – He asks, still pacing and throwing his arms in the air awkwardly.

“I don’t need your protection” – My voice escapes my throat and it sounds weaker than I intended.

He freezes and stares down at me and I don’t know why, but I feel guilty. His piecing gaze is making my heart pound uneasily in my bruised chest, forcing me to look away.

“Maybe you’re right, maybe you don’t need my help. But _I_ need to do it. I need it.”

“What that supposed to mean?”

“I want to, I need to do this. I can’t…” – He pauses and places his palms on his hips with a shaky exhale – “You’re my friend. You’re someone I care about. And I don’t want more people I care about getting hurt.”

That’s when I glance back at him. He’s huge and looks scary sometimes but now he just seems like a person who’s lonely and hurt, just another troubled kid who needs human closeness. That’s what we all are in the end, isn’t it right? He looks down at me with sad puppy eyes and when I stare back long enough, he suddenly looks vulnerable... And bashful even? Zach Dempsey of all people? If someone’d told me that couple of months ago, I wouldn’t believe, hell, I would even start laughing, but I’ve known him for some time now, I’ve had a chance to get to know him better. I find myself trying to hold back a smile that’s appearing on my lips when I see a slight flush on his cheeks. Oh, fuck, I wish for my vision to go back to being blurry again because that’s just too much. While I watch him looking away and trying in vain to hide his face from me, I suddenly fight the desire to rush off from the bed and hold him tight.

“A little help here?...” – I exhale and surrender. The truth is, I can’t do much at this point without his help, so I _do_ need his help. But the worst part is that I _like_ it all. 

He hesitantly returns my gaze and moves closer to the bed. I stretch my arms for him to hold me, and he holds me. His hands move to rest on my thin waist and although the touch is soft and gentle, I can’t hold back a gasp that escapes my lips before I can manage to bite my tongue.

“What? What’s wrong?” – Zach freezes and his gaze roams over my face, his eyes wide and brows furrowed - “Did I hurt you?”

“It’s nothing… It’s just…”

I move my right hand to grab the end of my shirt and when I slightly roll it up and look down at my hip, I notice purple and red bruises there, shapeless and ugly. Great, Montgomery did a good job – now I look just as ruined as I feel inside.

“Fuck” – Zach’s voice forces me back to the present moment. He stares at my stomach with that same expression from yesterday – the guy looks like he’s close to crying or something.

“It’s fine” – I roll my eyes, as though I truly believe in what I’m saying.

“No, it’s not fine, Alex!” – He argues and searches for my eyes, then shifts his gaze back to my stomach – “He’s not gonna get away with it. He won’t be the one holding the gun all the time.”

“Shut up, you’re not going to touch him,” – I remark firmly, - “you don’t need any more problems than you already have.”

“But he hurt you, I have to…”

“Fuck him!”

He stares at me with raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

“Fuck Monty, Fuck Jessica, Fuck Justin… Fuck everyone, I simply don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of everyone” – I suck in some air, suddenly feeling lightheaded, only now realizing I’ve wanted to say that out loud for a fucking long time, I couldn’t just hold it in any longer.

Why does he seem so bewildered, I’m not certain.

“You… you tired of me too?”

Zach asks that so quietly, I would’ve missed it if he wasn’t sitting inches away from me on the bed. And why does he stare like _that_ all the time? Why can’t he just be the same guy he used to be – distant, emotionless, rude, making fun of the weak. There was time when I used to think he was just like everybody else in his ‘team’, and after I’ve learned that he’s not, things somehow got more complicated. The reason for this is that I like him now, and more people you love, the weaker you are. _Love_? Who’s talking about love? Anyway... But now that I know what kind of person Zach Dempsey really is, I can’t _not_ like him, no matter how hard I try to keep my distance. And even when I tried to do so, he would always come back, move closer, leaving no space between us.

“Nah,” – I reply with an annoyed smile – “you’re my babysitter and my bodyguard. I think I’m gonna keep you, just in case.”

He smirks and it turns into laughter, and I can’t hold back the laugher either. Zach nods and moves his fingers that are still resting on my body. His palms suddenly slid under the fabric of my shirt, touching my bruised skin. I try my best not to shiver or flinch or… I don’t even know what I can end up doing if I don’t control myself. He traces his long fingers over these ugly purple bruises gently and slowly, with some bizarre tenderness, almost as if he’s afraid to break me. Like I could break that easily. I’ve lost my friends, experienced loneliness, betrayal, fear, depression, guilt... I put a fucking bullet in my head. That’s when I decide - _I’m not broken._

Zach is careful and soft like I’m fragile and although it feels nice, really, I want to laugh at him for some reason. So I do.

He flinches and looks up at me, never moving his hands away from my skin. His touch is giving me goosebumps and I actually try to convince myself that the reason for my reaction is that his hands are a bit colder than my skin. The spots where his fingers linger, simply burn though. I can’t start pretending now, I’ve been there, I already know what it is. I’ve known it for some time now.

“What? Ticklish?” – He asks with a little smile appearing on his lips and reaching his eyes. And when I give no reply, he starts roaming his fingers all over my stomach, teasing and tickling but somehow still managing to remain gentle.

“You are just… you’re such a softie, you know” – I stutter, getting a little dizzy from his touch and laughing harder when remembering his sad puppy face expression from yesterday.

“What?” – He almost growls – “I’m not… I’m not softie, _you_ are.”

“You may seem tough but you’re just too cute” – I blurt out before even realizing what I’m saying and why.

The smile disappears from his face almost immediately, and he stops his movements. I stop laughing and swallow hard. The sudden silence between us makes me realize that I’ve probably just said something I shouldn’t have. But why can’t I say he’s cute when I truly think he is? Oh, right, because he’s my best friend, plus he’s not the type of guy who will appreciate compliments like this. I finally dare to shift my gaze back to his face and find him staring. He locks eyes with me and my heart skips a beat. The idea that Zach can literally _feel_ my heart pounding, vibrating through my chest, makes it beat even louder. My throat is going dry as I stare in his black eyes. Zach’s mouth is slightly open and his lips look so soft, they would feel warm and nice, I think and instantly curse myself. I can’t allow myself to start thinking about his lips because I know how this is going to end. I’ll probably get hard again. Fuck, I can’t let that happen, no one would believe that shit twice. I know Zach’s not stupid, he can’t actually consider that it was just ‘from the physical contact’. Even if he believes so, I can’t give him any reasons to doubt his ‘theory’. But when he suddenly licks his lips and his gaze drifts down to my lips, I forget everything I’ve been thinking about two seconds ago, and I almost groan out loud. I somehow manage not to let any weird sound out but that takes all of my willpower. Zach exhales deeply through his nose and meets my gaze again.

“Alex…”

Fuck, this is not good. He’s going to tell me he knows everything and it will be over. He’ll tell me he’s aware of my feelings for him. Then he’ll let me down, announcing that he’s straight and we’re just friends, and I’ll go back to feeling lonely and unwanted again. Maybe he’ll still be my friend and I’d want that, really, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to control myself around him. I’ll make it awkward again, just like that day in the locker room, and he’s going to think I’m a creep. Or even worse, he’ll think I’m just broken - my body, as well as my mind.

He leans forward. I hold my breath and freeze, can’t even blink.

Fuck. I can feel his breath on my face, hot and soft. He smells so fucking good, I just want to feel him every way possible. I want to hold him and stay by his side, never letting him go. Why the fuck is he leaning even closer? No way. No way he’s…

His lips are just as soft as I imagined them to be, maybe even softer. His breath tickles my cheeks and makes me unable to think. This is nothing like kissing Jess, this is something so real and powerful, I almost literally pass out right there and then. I melt in his touch but I can’t move any part of my body. It takes me a second to actually realize that this is not one of my wet dreams (pathetic!), and when I finally do realize and decide to deepen the kiss, Zach’s leaning back. I try not to let out a cry of protest and stay still, gazing into these black eyes instead. Zach’s blushing, and damn, the fact that I’m not hard yet genuinely astonishes me.

“I… uh,” – He stutters, licks his lips and I feel pleasant warm waves in my stomach. No way, I can’t get hard again, so I try not to think about Zach’s lips or his eyes or his… anything!

“I had to try it… to know, uh, if I’d feel anything.”

“Did you?” – And god, my voice is _ruined_.

“Yeah…” – He swallows and nods slightly – “Yeah, I did.”

“Did you… like it?”

Zach looks away and thinks for a seconds, then meets my eyes again. He seems nervous and self-conscious but I don’t say anything, I just wait for him to finally speak when he’s ready.

“I’ve been having some… I don’t know how to explain.”

“It’s okay, just tell me” – I breathe out. My heart beats violently from anticipation.

Zach nods and stares down at his hands.

“I’ve never felt anything like… anything like _this_ towards other guys, you know. And I’ve never even considered that I could. But with you…”

I stare at him without even blinking. I don’t want to miss anything.

“You’re different from anyone I known. And I thought it was guilt at first, then you became my best friend, but that wasn’t all.”

I nod but he’s not even looking at me, he’s staring down at his hands instead. I’ve never seen him blush like this before, he looks so familiar and sincere though…

“I tried to ignore it but then again, why do I have to always deny, push away and say no to everything and everyone that I really like?”

He glances up at me now and looks so fucking _cute_ I can’t hold back a tiny smile.

“You don’t” – I shrug, because yes, it's that simply.

He nods and slowly meets my gaze again.

“Did you… what about you?”

I raise my eyebrows and smirk at him.

“You really asking me that, Zach? Like, you truly believe that my dick just miraculously worked suddenly for the first time after being useless, and it just so happened to be while fighting you?”

He chuckles but blushes again, playing with his fingers nervously.

“So… Does the fact that I… that I like you and want to kiss you and hold you… and, you know… does it make me gay, or something?”

He avoids my eyes and looks everywhere but at me. I want to make fun of him just because how adorable he looks right now, but I know I won’t. It would be cruel. So I try to maintain my solid poker face and be nonchalant.

“I don’t know, Zach. Maybe you’re bi, like me,” – I shrug – “who cares? Fuck labels.”

Zach keeps his eyes on me and thinks for a minute, as if he’s trying to decide whether he agrees or not. Eventually he nods and smiles broadly. I fight the smirk but I can’t hold it back anymore.

“Right, Fuck it. Fuck everyone.”

“Yeah!”

“Hey, Alex?”

“Uhum?”

“Can I… Can I try again? You know, kissing you?”

I chuckle quietly and nod.

“Yes. Definitely.”

He leans towards me without hesitation and I feel my whole body relaxing but burning at the same time. It’s so fucking strange, when he’s by my side, I feel like _I want to live, I want to live forever!_

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As I feel his long, warm fingers softly caressing my cheeks, I realize that I am happy, here and now, and it’s quite enough.

I wake up from a dream I can’t quite remember but I’m aware it’s been an intense one. I know that because I wake up with a boner. It hasn’t happened since that day I’ve shot myself in the head. Of course I’ve had wet dreams but that was before, when my dick worked way better.  

I shift on the bed and feel someone’s presence, only now realizing - that someone is Zach Dempsey. Oh right, he’s in my room and in my bed because we’ve been playing that new game last night and we lost sense of time. Zach announced he preferred to stay at my place rather than go home late. Now he’s sleeping peacefully on his side of the bed near the window. It’s still dark outside but it’s probably dawn already.

I look down at my boner and try my best not to make a sound. I start crawling towards the end of the bed, slowly and very quietly. My intention is to get up and go to the bathroom to take care of myself. I have to do that without waking the boy sleeping few inches away from me. I reach to grab my cane for support and lean my whole body on it so I can raise from the bed, but unfortunately for me, it slips on the floor with a painful sound. I end up falling down with a loud yelp. Somehow I still manage to fall on my hands though. I can’t take back that pitiful groan that escaped my lips, so I start panicking and cursing myself for being too self-confident and stupid.

“What… What happened?”

Shit.

The next thing I hear is Zach shifting on the bed but I can’t see him ‘cause I’m still lying on the cold floor trying to play dead or something.

“Alex? Alex, what's wrong?”

Zach appears next to me before I can blink. He wraps his long arms around me without hesitation and lifts me up.

“I’m fine” – I whisper. My voice is hoarse.

“Why did you get up?”

“Was trying to go to the bathroom.”

Now I’m forced to face him, even in the dim light of the room. He’s not wearing his shirt, only his jeans and I suddenly remember about my hard-on. Yes, it’s still there and it’s not going anywhere, damn it. He wastes no time and wraps his hands around my body, helps me sit down on the bed.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”  - He demands, staring down at me and breathing heavier and louder than normal. I just hope he doesn’t notice the bulge in my pants as I try in vain to think about something unsexy.

“Why would I do that? I can walk by myself. Well, I usually can” – I trail off, not making eye contact with the boy staring down at me.

“I’m not saying you can’t Alex. It’s just... you could’ve hit your head or something… You…”

He sounds concerned. I glance up and notice him running his fingers awkwardly in his dark hair. I shift my gaze to his chest, unintentionally. He looks perfect, and I have a sudden strange desire to say it to him. However, I end up blurting out something completely different.

“I’m hard and I was trying to sneak out to the bathroom to jack off.”

 _What the fuck?!_ But it’s too late, he's heard it loud and clear. He has seen me in a situation like this before but it doesn’t make it less embarrassing. I sigh because there’s nothing else to say at this point, I’ve said more that I should’ve. When I finally gain the courage to look up at Zach, I notice him staring down intensely. He’s not looking at my face though, his eyes are glued to that bulge in my pants. Silence between us is awkward and Zach looks like he’s in his thought, probably not even realizing he’s still standing there staring at my hard-on with mouth slightly open. When he suddenly licks his lips, I feel my heart in my throat.

“Yeah, so…” – He whispers and clears his throat. I _hear_ him swallowing hard. Then he finally meets my gaze like he’s just awaken from a dream – “Do you, um… Do you still want to go to the bathroom? Or you can like, stay here.”

I don’t completely understand what he’s trying to say at first so I look up at him with innocent eyes, confusion written on my face. 

“I could… help, you know?”

Oh, that. Wow. Shit. Okay. Definitely.

I don’t reply though, I just rise my brows.

“But if you… If you don’t want that, we don’t… It’s fine” – He’s panicking now and looks like a little kid, precious and so sweet, but I would never say that to him.

“I’d want that, of course,” – I cut him off, even though I really enjoy seeing him getting bashful again – “I mean, if that’s what _you_ want, too.”

Zach thinks for a moment, as if he’s reconsidering but eventually nods.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Yes, I’m sure.”

Then he’s leaning towards me and starts kissing me. At first it’s just a soft, gentle kiss but then he wraps his fingers around my nape and deepens the kiss. I feel my dick pressing uncomfortably through my pants while Zach’s lips move down to my neck. He kisses me there and I shiver. Embarrassed, I try to take control over myself but that doesn’t sound like a possibility when I feel his warm lips on my skin and his long hands on my hips. He’s on his knees and just the thought of it makes me dizzy. Porn seems so funny to me now, as I have Zach Dempsey leaning in front of me, traveling through my bare chest with his lips.

Zach slowly pushes my pants down and I notice that his hands are slightly shaking. I could make fun of him because of it but I know I won’t. He stares down at my dick with half-lidded eyes. He takes his time to look and just when I start to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, Zach grabs me by waist and lifts me up. I gasp but I can’t say anything because he gives me no time. Even though I know he’s strong and everything, he still manages to leave me speechless sometimes. I’m lying on my back now and Zach’s leaning down, his dark eyes roaming all over my body. My pants and boxers are half way down my knees and I feel a bit exposed. I’m not able to think about it too much because Zach suddenly licks his palm and I feel the touch of warm, wet fingers. He’s hesitant but visibly excited. I quickly shift my gaze to his face because I have to see his every expression, I have to see everything.

Zach’s fingers trace the length of my cock and I struggle not to make any embarrassing sound. When he runs his thumb over the tip of my dick, I hear the quiet sound coming from my own throat.

“Fuck…”

“Am I doing it the right way?” – He whispers and hides his face in my neck.

I’m not certain if he’s seriously wondering or just making fun of me but I can’t really think about it now.

“Yeah” – I reply and go silent again, not wanting to give him any more verbal evidence.

However, when he begins kissing my neck almost possessively, I let out a whine, followed by a curse and a moan…. And a curse again. I’m slowly falling apart, my eyes shut and my whole body burning. My quiet moans become more frequent and no matter how hard I try to muffle them, they escape anyway.

Zach’s breathing is loud and unsteady now, and he’s moving his hand up and down my dick faster, with more self-confidence. He’s leaving open mouthed kisses on my neck and my chest and every time I feel his breath on my skin, I have the feeling that I’m going to explode.

“Better than doing it yourself, huh?”

His voice is raspy and I wish I could see his face expression but his face is hidden in my neck.

“You know my hand… doesn’t work properl…uh, _fuck_!”

“I had no idea you could make these sounds” – He notices and bites down on my neck, almost making me flinch. I moan because there’s no fucking way I can hold it back at this point. I’m so close.

I hear him chuckle and I want to shove him away and drag him closer at the same time. What I do is I move my good hand to touch him, to touch any part of him I can reach.

“Shut up, Dempsey…”

The voice leaving my throat doesn’t seem to be mine. I have no time to be flustered though, Zach is moving his right hand even faster and with more meaning, as if he’s truly enjoying what he’s doing as much as I do. I can see his chest heaving, I can smell his scent and I can feel his hot breath ghosting across my face. I grab him by waist and try desperately to drag him even closer, although out chests are already touching. The realization comes to me that I want to feel and touch  _more_ of him. I buck my hips up to meet him, and I arch my back with each hard stroke.

“I like them. I like the sounds you make” – He murmurs sweetly, before he dives back to my neck, kissing me there with these full, soft lips. My eyes roll back and another deep groan leaves my throat. I don’t even care about the sounds anymore, as long as they’re not loud enough to reach my folks’ room. I feel burning pleasure inside, making my whole body shudder and I know what it means. I try to put it into words as I open my mouth but the only sound coming from it is another quiet moan.

“Zach, I’m…”

“Yeah…” – He breathes out and I’m not sure if he’s addressing me or he’s just lost in the moment.

“Zach!”

Zach raises his head from my neck and attacks my lips instead. He’s not gentle or shy anymore but passionate and a bit rough. After bruising my lips with his possessive kiss, he keeps staring down at me without even blinking. Even if my eyes are heavy, I try my best to keep them on Zach as the pleasure washes over my whole body. I’m coming with a hushed moan, biting my bottom lip hard.

Zach is panting, too, with lidded eyes and wet, swollen lips. He straightens up to sit on the bed but keeps staring down at me while I’m trying to catch my breath.

“How did I do?”

I nod a bit sheepishly.

“You did... amazing!” – I reply honestly.

He chuckles and grins, as though he’s actually flattered.

That’s when I break eye contact with him and scan his body again, noticing he’s hard. I can make out the outline of his _impressive_ dick through these pants even in the dim light. I swallow hard, as the realization leaves me with pounding heart. _Zach enjoyed it as much as I did._ I knew he wanted it and I knew he liked it but now that I see the proof, it’s different. Its better. It’s perfect.

Of course he notices me staring and shifts uncomfortably on the bed.

“Ah, well, I… I’m hard, too.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed” – I nod with a smile, shifting my gaze from his dick to his face and back again – “So what are we gonna do about it?”

Zach raises his eyebrows and smiles back at me.

“Let me return the favor?”

“But… But you said your hand doesn’t work” – he says slowly, obviously trying not to make me feel uncomfortable by pointing out that my body’s not fully functioning or something. But the thing is, I don’t feel like that anymore, _I don’t think of myself as broken._

_I’m not afraid anymore._

“Maybe, but some parts of me still work, you know, like my _mouth_ …so…” – I reply with an innocent smile and watch him as his face becomes darker and he tries desperately to hide it somehow. Zach runs his fingers through his hair, obviously nervous, then opens his mouth to say something but closes it instantly. By the looks of him, you wouldn’t guess he’s soft and kind and shy even, but I’ve had a chance to get to know him. Before I can manage to hold back, I burst out laughing.

“Alex, your parents!” – He warns through clenched teeth and I immediately cover my mouth with my hand.

“Sorry. You’re just so fucking…” – I shake my head, trying to come up with the right word – “adorable.”

“Fuck you, Alex!” – He sounds angry but a ghost of a smile is lingering on his lips.

“Yeah, but not today. For now, blowjob should be enough for you.”

Zach blushes again. I could make fun of him but I don’t think I will. I simply smile, feeling strangely self-confident. Then I reach for my pants resting near my knees and lift my body up to sit on the bed. I look him in the eye and lean towards him. He’s kissing me slowly and gently. Not as if he’s afraid I can break, no. I think he’s just trying to enjoy the moment. Because that’s what I’m doing, too. Because that’s all we got – moments like this, little things that make us smile. As I feel his long, warm fingers softly caressing my cheeks, I realize that _I am happy, here and now, and it’s quite enough._

 

 

 


End file.
